7 of the Worst (Best?) Fantasy Football Punishments
It’s Week 12 of the NFL season and fantasy football playoffs are right around the corner. At 8-3 you’ve got that coveted miniature star next to your team name meaning you’ve already secured a spot in the playoffs. You browse the standings and see Joe and Charlie boast 3-8 and 2-9 records, respectively. Charlie has two players in his starting lineup on the IR. Joe’s starting quarterback and tight end are both on a bye this week. Unacceptable fantasy football behavior.
If you want to keep even the worst league members engaged and ensure Joe is utilizing his waivers to grab a quarterback for his hopeless squad up until the last week of the season, you MUST implement a league punishment. Everyone wants to win gold, but when your dignity is on the line, not losing can be much, much sweeter than actually winning.
Here are 8 of the worst/most creative league punishments we’ve heard of and if your pals are man enough, you can implement them into your league:
1. The Tattoo League
There’s an infamous 10-man league based out of Omaha, Nebraska that holds a strict tattoo policy. Tattoos aren’t disallowed, nor must you have one to enter the league. By a strict tattoo policy, I mean this: Each season, the player who comes in dead last must allow a precious 4 inch x 4 inch masterpiece to be tattooed onto the body part of their choosing. Unfortunately, the design is not of their choosing; the league winner gets to decide what gets inked. To make matters worse, the loser will not see the design until it is completed. Brutal. Since implementing this glorious rule, four members have been permanently branded as losers.
2. Photoshoot for a Calendar
The Mona Lisa, ESPN Magazine Body Issue (If you’re friends look like mine it’s going to be the Prince Fielder edition), the Kim Kardashian Champagne-Ass photo. Nothing is off limits. Having the last place finisher re-enact or simply photoshopped on to any 12 funny pictures of your choosing to make a lovely calendar for all other league members to hang on their fridge. Your wife probably won’t find it funny but you’ll get a daily reminder to dust up for next years draft. You don’t want your buddies daughter asking why your ass looks like two watermelons next time you're over at their house for dinner.
3. Tutu or Bikini as Card Girl for Next Years Draft
It may be just as uncomfortable for the last place finisher as it will be for the rest of the league members to look at, but it’ll be hilarious and you’ll have embarrassing pictures that’ll last a lifetime. At next years live draft, the loser will be the card girl, similar to the ring girl in boxing, and will dress in either a tutu or a bikini, while delivering each selection to the draft board. It’s time to see who’s been doing their squats this winter.
4. Take the SAT/ACT
16 years old, 23 years old, 39 years old? It doesn’t matter. It’s time to hit the books because you’re going back to 11th grade. The league loser signs up to take the SAT or the ACT at the local high school. What happens with the final scores is up to the league. They might have to beat a certain score and face a harsher punishment if they fail to hit it. Or maybe a simple social media post displaying the result will suffice.
5. Five Minutes of Standup at a Comedy Club
North Americans find public speaking to be the scariest thing in the world. Scarier than death. It’s a fact. So naturally the loser of the league must perform a five minute stand up comedy skit at whichever moronic comedy club that will allow it. If that doesn’t make you shit your pants, how does having the rest of the league members write your jokes sound?
6. The Uncomfortable Shopping Experience
Buying condoms can be awkward enough. Buying your league beer with a cucumber, lube and a box of condoms at your local supermarkets busiest operating hours? That’s the highest level of awkward possible.
7. More Mild Punishments
Your league doesn’t need to have the funniest or most embarrassing punishment to keep everyone engaged. Sometimes less is more. The loser can buy a keg for next year’s draft or Superbowl party. Maybe it’s time to bust out the old Venus razor and have the loser shave their legs all summer. How about making them wear a pink sash and tiara at every league related function? That’s humiliation that lasts all season. Or if you want something a little more public, you can buy a custom license plate that reads “Fantasy Loser” on it. In pink, of course. With glitter and charms.
- Nick Ercolano